So this morning, when I dropped Owen off at school, I found out that he was moving "up" into the next classroom. While this is probably supposed to be a joyous moment for parents, i couldn't help but feel unbelievably sad. My heart ached for him - to be pulled from the class that he knows, the people he hangs out with, the comfort his daily morning routine brings him. And I felt a little more sad for me ... knowing that my little boy was growing up and moving into the three-year-old classroom.
I got to work feeling a little heavier from the whole experience, and have been in a bit of a funk this morning. It's a little hard to explain, I suppose. And a little foreign to me, that something as inconsequential as moving to a new classroom, could have this effect on me. Who knew I'd be that affected?
But if you want to talk about affected, continue reading. I decided to take a quick break and check in with a blog I regularly enjoy reading, The Celebrity Baby Blog. I love taking a quick look at the pictures they post - especially of babies that were born around the same time O-Bear was born ... Gwen Stefani's kid, Angelina's (#4), Jennifer Garner/Ben Affleck's ... hell, even Britney's (her first one was born in 09/05 and Owen was 11/05).
And then I read a really sad post.
An excerpt:
Newborn daughter of Christian singer Todd Smith passes away
We are saddened to report that Audrey Caroline Smith, the newborn daughter of Selah member Todd Smith and his wife Angie, passed away Monday, April 7th, just hours after her birth at 4:31 p.m.
And then I read, possibly the saddest and most beautiful thing I have read in a long time.
Update: Angie has posted photos of daughter Audrey and the family at her blog, as well as a letter to her late daughter.
I clicked on the link and bawled. I wept for the lost baby, I wept for the grieving family, and I wept for the strength that these people possessed, and pray that I can have that kind of strength if anything ever happens to any one of us.
An aside ... my mother is currently royally pissed at me ... for something I really don't think she needs to be mad about. But this woman will hold a grudge against me for the stupidest things. And that makes me wonder - how could anyone not WANT to give their child everything in the world? How could anyone WILLINGLY torture their child and make their life a mental hell? So I weep for this family, and I weep for my own mother ... who, whether she realizes it or not, is punishing not only me, but her grandson as well ... I can shield him from her craziness for only so long, but one day, he will see it for himself, and he will be able to make his own decisions. I want him to love her, I really do, but ultimately, that's up to her - is she worth loving?
And before anyone says anything like, "I can't believe you talking about your mother" - you don't know my mom. :) Please don't judge me without knowing all the facts about my childhood - which I'm obviously not going to go into detail here. My close friends know what my childhood was like. And you know, instead of weeping for my lost childhood, I cry tears of joy, knowing that I can be everything to my son that my parents weren't to me. I can nurture him, raise him well, and take care of him physically and mentally. Make his mind grow and flourish ... and isn't that the best reward of all? Being able to look in the mirror and go to sleep at night, knowing you tried your best? I pray that I can continue to be a good parent. It's a huge responsibility.
Hmmm, wow, this turned into a very personal blog post, which is very unlike me. I don't like putting my 'business' out there. I guess I'm just feeling very introspective today, and I thought I'd share it with you.
